Will I ever get better? Will I ever be worth my weight in salt? Will I ever just do what I am supposed to do without batting an eyelash?
I feel extremely inept at doing anything right.
But if my God is the same God that made a king out of the shepherd boy David, the saving grace of Egypt from a 17 year old Joseph sold into slavery, and a leader of Israel from a baby Moses who was destined to die…. He is the same God who is capable of taking my SHIT (excuse me) and turning me into something pretty. Something functional. Someone worth another human being’s life dedication. Someone that the God of the universe can use.
This is very hard for me. Back to square one. The only difference between now and five years ago is that this time, behind all of the hurting, I know the simply truth that my God is the One who makes me beautiful and functional. Thank God that if nothing else, He used David to teach me this.
My capacity for loving someone, however great and deep and relentless it is, is terribly flawed and very worthless. Lesson #487 of this week learned.
I need to remember that I love because He first loved me.
Well… David said it best a few days ago in his second to last email to me.
"My love for you is uncanny and still very much here. But it must pass for us to move on. If you think about it, this is what it’s all for. To start by replacing all of this earthly love, even found amongst non believers and turn it into Christ’s."